Dear fellow women,
We all know this is a day of celebrating Fearless Females, but ironically, this is today where I feel utterly defeated.
We are all for empowering women and letting them know they are strong, which is exactly what I strived to be by dressing up, and marching towards the event I solo-heartedly signed up for.
I hoped the make some friends, to network, or at least have one decent conversation tonight. But no.
Nobody talked to me. I was out of place and felt as if I weren’t really there. Don’t get me wrong, everybody there was exactly the kind of girls I want to be friends with, but after hours of waiting and hanging around, nobody took the initiative to talk to me, everyone looked like they were already here with someone, and I was too shy to approach anyone.
I blamed myself for being like this- too shy. The expectation was there, but it’s just so hard to walk towards someone. Out of a corner of my eye, I saw xxx, the founder of a design agency I respected a lot. This is my chance. By going up and introducing myself, who knows what will happen? I have been dreaming of a internship/job with them since forever. They didn’t get back to me. Should I go talk to her? I should, right? But what if the conversation goes awkward? I felt the pressure put on myself to approach her, but I just don’t know why, I won’t move. Because I don’t like this side of me, of being the initiator. I didn’t like the shameless act of having to sell yourself (except in interviews).
I was caught in a dilemma whether I should approach her. I usually stay Long enough at this kind of social events because I held out the hope of making friends at the last minute. I prayed internally, yet nothing happened. Eventually I grew more and more frustrated.
Then I left. I left not because I wanted to give up, but because of self love. I was always holding out this hope, that I can meet someone who has something to offer me- love, career elevation, connections, whatever. And it’s unhealthy. I don’t ever want to put myself in that position of mercy. And by staying, I am putting that unnecessary stress on myself.
Some people may have the luck of meeting a “贵人”, but perhaps this is God’s blessing and plan for me, that I can say in future, “I didn’t know someone who knew somebody, who knew somebody, who knew somebody. I worked hard from the bottom way up.”
This international women’s day, I spent it alone. Perhaps I will shine best as a solo act, I don’t know.
I hope my subsequent IWDs will be better, but meanwhile let me write this letter.